Enough is Enough is Enough

“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”

- Oscar Wilde

I’m writing these lines with a stiff neck, barely able to keep it straight and my shoulders square. It’s painful enough as it is but even more painful when I listen to what it tells me. It yells & kicks “Enough!”. Enough of the pretending; enough of the keeping up with other people’s perspectives & way of doing things; enough of the assumptions & expectations of myself that I’ll never be able to fulfil.

Above everything, it’s full of rage marked by the abuse of never having been able to be myself. These days of course it’s a rage that also includes me & my inability to let go of the limiting notions of control & perfectionism (roughly the same thing). For me small steps in releasing that guard are already major, such as allowing myself to take a nap of 30 minutes the pain & fatigue that I’m feeling today.

There is a pretty clear understanding of myself & my way of being & doing things inside of me. The downside: it’s been a sense & a vision more than a practicality & reality for most of my life. There are times in which I can tap into it but it’s still easy enough to shut it down at the slightest resistance (both from myself & others). This inside path is untried which fuels my doubts that it’ll bring the happiness, clarity, prosperity, and fulfilment that I’m seeking.

I know that these are protective strategies that try to keep me safe from the risk of being myself. And it’s stunning how deep they run & how much charge they have over me.

Sometimes I’m imaging how it would have been if I had from the get go experienced the freedom & joy of just being myself, protected & loved & seen by those whose attention I needed the most. I probably would have thriven from as soon as I could, I probably would have chosen & cultivated relationships differently, would have been able to distinguish clearer between what I want (Yes!) and what I don’t want (No!). Boundary boss, baby!

Now, that’s hanging onto an impossible and so not worthwhile exploring much longer. These days I can nourish the sense of Self in myself by myself. It’s a process with highs and lows, certainties & uncertainties. But I’m hopeful that with an increasing understanding of who I really am it becomes obvious what I want - what I’m willing to take on and what not; which should make life simpler, clearer, more purposeful & unquestionably mine.