Why is it so Difficult to Set Boundaries?

“Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”

- Eckhart Tolle

There is barely anything more freeing & empowering than saying & affirming No when we mean it. No to an event, to a request, a relationship, a project that we don’t want to do or lead. Our conscious Yes and No affirms our sense of Self and is in full alignment with how we feel and what we need, the essential ingredients of our being.

But why is it so difficult for many of us to be clear and firm about our boundaries, our own capacity, our own will?

A readily available answer would be that we don’t want to disappoint others, that we want to be liked and belong. All of which we inherently assume are at risk when we stand in for ourselves.

Whether that is truly the case, we cannot know if we haven’t set boundaries for a long time and in our adult life. Deep down however we might have made the experience that neither our Yes nor our No was heard when we we’re little, we could feel & express it but couldn’t ensure that it was respected.

From early on, we strive for belonging & closeness (symbiosis) as much as for autonomy & self-expression. The first is more pronounced when we’re very little because our survival depends on it. We’re ready to give up the latter to stay in relationship with our parents/caretakers even though they might be the ones dis-respecting our own Self, our boundaries.

Parents who are traumatized (i.e. internally split & disconnected from themselves) have a hard time asserting the autonomy of their children. If they haven’t themselves been able to develop a healthy I - which means an internal compass & reference point - it’ll be difficult for their children to maintain & nourish their own I, all of which translates to a relationship that is based on entanglement rather than on recognizing the self-determination of both parties.

Entanglement can show up as behaviors we developed in order to be seen (e.g. people pleasing, performing, revolting) but it can also mean that we take on emotions that are not ours so we feel close to our parents (e.g. anger, depression, jealousy).

This is the opposite of setting boundaries but it’s the reality why we struggle with keeping them up. If you’re an adult intending to set boundaries because you inherently know that you need it for thriving, you might encounter a sense of anxiety, loneliness, or sadness whenever you clearly communicate what you want and what you don’t want.

Let me assure you that this is a normal reaction of your vulnerable system that hasn’t been able to be itself for the longest. It probably wasn’t safe to express yourself with your emotions and needs when you were young. You might have been ignored, shunned, punished, or ashamed in the process. In order to regain a sense of safety & connection, you might have consequentially cut off yourself including your sense & trust in your boundaries.

To recover the essential Self calls us to become aware of & own our (early) childhood experience, to gain clarity of how our earliest relationships were and to reinforce that we were never in the wrong when we were saying No to something.

As a process it will take time, tenderness & care but it rewards you with a growing & sustainable recognition of your boundaries, their flexibility, and where their flexibility stops.

Do you need support in setting boundaries?