Impact of Trauma: Everything is a Fight
“If we’re no longer able to change a situation, we’re asked to change ourselves.”
- Viktor Frankl
‘Fighting is part of my DNA’, is what I thought for the longest. Fighting for someone or something and against a system, the people that stand for it or an ideology. Fighting in my critical mind, in my critical words, and in my critical actions.
But fighting is hard work and if its emotional charge is unquestioned it takes away a lot of life energy and often goes array. It has taken me some time, input and realizations to understand that the fights I’m leading are a cry for care, connection, and love. And that which they’re targeted at are only a convenient representation for a much deeper, much more personal pain.
On a neurobiological and psychological level, fighting is 1 of 3 automated responses to an existential threat. In and of itself it serves a valuable purpose, which is that of (physical and/or psychological) survival. It is meant to come and go like a wave but becomes a chronic response if as children we often found ourselves in situations in which we felt threatened, cornered, or otherwise diminished.
Defensiveness then turns into our unreflected course of action whenever in the face of a threat however minor that might be. Our survival mode isn’t able to see the full picture in the Here and Now but responds to a past threat in a manner that we’ve cultivated throughout our entire life.
Fighting as in standing in for someone or speaking up against something is crucial for sustaining community. It is part of our vitality and purpose as human beings. However, it’s worthwhile investigating what its motivation and emotional base is. Does it carry clarity, understanding, and empathy towards myself and others? Can I handle losing? Does it allow for a spectrum of perspectives? Does it have space for listening & letting things be? Does it provide focus?
Do we fight based on care or based on fear?
From my own experience, inspiration, a sense of interdependence, & collaboration is added if I clarify the motivation behind my need to fight. And very often I find that I act out of a habitual and reactionary pattern. Then my system feels on alarm and the sentiment I carry is that of danger rather than that of safety and ease.
When I get stuck in conflict, I take responsibility by figuring whether this fight is actually as it plays out on the outside or more associated to something on the inside.
Most of us are in a constant fight with ourselves. We’re fighting our emotions, our needs, our various parts, our perspectives, wishes, and impulses. This is extremely draining and based on an ingrained belief that it’s safer to fight against ourselves than to embrace & express ourselves as we are.
In stepping out of the constant fighting mode it’s imperative to understand that nowadays we’re safe. This was different when we were little and couldn’t defend our own territory but in Here Now we can accept ourselves for who we are - if we want to.
It’s a process to let go of a very old and essential survival mechanism. But if you’re already at a stage in which you realize that you cannot continue like that any longer without the risk of totally losing yourself, imagine how much clarity, determination, strength and peace lies underneath the layers of simply surviving.