A Relationship to Rest In: Trauma & Relationships
What do children really need? A relationship they can rest in; to be allowed to fully express their emotions; and lots of free play in nature.
- Gabor Maté
I’ve been pondering for some time what it means to rest in a relationship, as opposed to having to fight or work hard for it. Just visualizing that concept gives me a sense of relief and instant release. But how does such a relationship show up in real life?
Sensing into the notion of resting, I notice that I already have a hard time simply relaxing, let alone relaxing into another one’s embrace. I have a hard time giving up the control that comes with generally being on guard, on top of things, managing my life and that of others. The fear behind expresses a deep concern with being safe, nourished, and cared for in any relationship.
If anything of the above sounds familiar to you, you likely have experienced insecure bonding with your parents or caretakers. You probably weren’t appreciated for simply being and with that contributing to the relationship. That’s however all that small children can and should give.
Many of us have been raised by parents who were disconnected from their own life experience, feelings, and needs, which translates into a disconnect from being, accepting, resting & relaxing into who they are. It is near to impossible to then have the capacity, presence, and space to provide a nourishing and serene relationship to children.
Relationships that are marked by the detachment that trauma brings are rather agitating, demanding, unsafe, and destructive to a healthy sense of Self. The problem is that children, in their emotional fragility, not only emulate what they experience but will also do everything possible to stay in touch with their parents/caretakers, however absenf(-minded) they are.
This translates into having to work, act, suppress, change oneself for the relationship; the direct opposite of just being safe in it.
It’s no wonder that later on, we simply don’t know how to lead constructive relationships that value the Selves involved, in their unique being and expression, and provide a stable foundation to grow and evolve, separately and together.
Do you feel the longing to rest, whether it’s literally or in your life & relationships?
Start with embracing and holding yourself, just the way you are in this very moment.
Build up a routine that helps you to stay connected with what you need, whether it’s a dedicated amount of hours you sleep, a regular meditation practice or daily walks in nature.
Observe yourself in relationship. Notice when you get activated, how it feels in your body, and what this part of you is telling you. For that take some time for yourself and connect with the upset, the worry, the withdrawal, the panic or whatever other feeling you might feel.
Please reach out if you feel too overwhelmed or worried to take the first steps for yourself.
Resting in relationship starts with resting in relationship with yourself. When you find more peace and acceptance for your own life experience, you’ll create the safe haven that you needed when you were little, for yourself and others.