Full Circle in Relationship: Attachment Trauma

Beneath the surface, we all want to be seen and to be loved for what is seen.

Trauma happens in relationships as much as they’re healed in relationship. Which seems to be paradox at first makes perfect sense when taking a closer look at the genesis of developmental trauma.

We come to this planet with a deep desire and existential need to bond with our parents or attachment figures (guardians). As much as we love them from the bottom of our hearts, we assume they love as back the way we are, behave and express ourselves.

Unfortunately, many (if not most) of us experience rejection, doubts, criticism, a lack of closeness and space, and worse, physical, emotional or sexual abuse in our pre-verbal years (conception to 3yrs). As an adult we might have the resources to stay away from relationships as destructive as described. As children however our survival depends on keeping the connection with those that take care of us, no matter the way in which they do it.

The consequence? Our understanding of how to lead relationships and our self-worth are marked by how our parents (caretakers) relate to us. As little ones, we don’t hold their lack of love, care or even cruelty against them but rather assume that that’s an inherent part of relating to others and that we’re just not worth more than that.

It goes without saying that being cut off and unseen is an extremely painful experience for little children (as it is for everyone but as adults we might have the means to handle it). In order to stay in this existentially important relationship, we develop so-called survival strategies that help us adapt and protect ourselves. It might be that we start keeping ourselves small, invisible, don’t express our thoughts, feelings, needs so we’re relatively safe from our parents’ refusal. Our relationship is therefore not based on authenticity and our healthy expression of love because it’d be too dangerous for us.

Technically, this is called an “attachment disorder”, however it’s important to note that we don’t have a disorder, we just perfectly adapted to the disordered connection our parents offered us!

The huge downside is that we introduce our survival strategies and earliest relationship experiences into any other close relationship we lead from then onward. We might need constant re-assurance that we’re loved; we might try and please the other person; we might retreat into our shell as soon as our relationship gains closeness and vulnerability. We might even unconsciously seek out partners that remind us of our parents inasmuch as they don’t offer us closeness, presence, or even love.

While this is extremely painful, it is also our psyche’s highly intelligent attempt to come full circle, that is to point us to what needs healing inside of us.

So this is one way relationship is significant in healing trauma because its repetition happens there. For the actual trauma healing 2 relationships are pivotal: the relationship with a therapist, trauma informed coach or trauma informed group and - above all - the relationship with ourself. As soon as we enter that inner space in which the pain sits, in which our hurt, survival, and totally healthy and clear parts express themselves, we strengthen the relationship with who we are at our core; the identity that was split off and denied in the relationship with our parents/caretakers.

As adults we have the capacity, the resources, and the experience to take care of ourselves in this way. And to simultaneously heal our relationship to relationships - rather than trying to resolve our deepest pain by hoping others would fix it.