What is my distress?

“We have to learn to express who we are & what we stand for instead of trying to have our children behave in a certain way.”

Jesper Juul

Last week on the playground was a tough one. Anyone with children knows that it can be, despite the flowery image that we might have of it. My 3 year old daughter wasn’t letting other children use the climbing wall, cutting them off whenever she got a chance. Children were crying, parents got upset, only my little one was all cool, dominating the scene. The only thing I knew to do to escape the pressure & stress was to forcefully take her off the wall which didn’t serve her & I well. Eventually we both lay on the ground exhausted and in tears.

Before becoming a mom, I’d never assumed that being one interacting with the world could be so triggering. A seemingly small situation like the one described stirs a multitude of emotions, experiences & survival strategies within me, ranging from the embarrassment that my daughter wouldn’t behave in a certain way, the comments of other mothers that cut deep & the upset caused by my daughter’s unbending will.

Now I’m not writing to discuss how I could have behaved smarter, clearer, or cooler. I’m writing to process what was at play: as often, not what was in front of my eyes but what was happening in response to it inside of me.

I was distressed and in hindsight it’s important to me to figure, embrace & release which parts of me were in high alert so in the future my response isn’t adding to the stress but instead introduces empathy, collaboration, guidance & clarity. In short: an atmosphere that helps regulating my daughter & I in our upheaval & rigidity.

I’m no longer talking about this particular playground situation but about motherhood in general. In so many ways we try to balance, compensate & correct the distress we carry through our children. When we expect them to behave in a certain way (social, collaborative, sharing is caring etc.) so we don’t have to get in touch with our fear of being judged or excluded; when we expect them to follow our direction immediately & without resistance so we can feel competent and don’t have to encounter the anger that we carry for having had our own will broken when we were little.

The more sustainable route is to welcome the idea that each challenging interaction with our children means the opportunity to look at our own distress on a deeper level. To understand the experiences that we had when we were little; the emotions we carried but had to bury; the needs that weren’t seen or met. It is up to us know to correct (heal) what is in distress. This way we can actually embody what we want to role model to our kids: clarity, loving authority, our own principles & being.

Obviously, it takes more time & commitment to embrace oneself first rather than blaming & projecting onto the outside. And obviously, we won’t always succeed human as we are. Releasing stress begins deep within but ripples out, wide & wider.