Lebenskraft Wut

Obedient children don’t develop an identity, they simply learn to comply.

- Jesper Juul

Long time, no see or no read/write I should say. I’ve been on a long journey of transition, which slowly comes to its end & the intensity of which I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

I’ve been incensed & enraged quite a bit throughout the process, especially lately as I feel my justice being lopsided by a particularly confused & confusing contemporary that I’m in contractual relations with at the moment.

I used this is situation as an opportunity to an IoPT session on, a so called self-encounter, and boy was that revealing.

I’ve had an issue with rage & anger for a long time, and by that I mean that it’s actually taking me quite some time to feel it & allow it as a justified response when my values & boundaries are infringed. I often have to cognitively make myself feel angry because there is another strong sense of understanding the other side so (too) much.

Now I’m not in business anymore of bashing myself so I do acknowledge that empathy & understanding & tolerance are strong suits of mine. But they have taken over the show long time ago for very particular reasons. Those of being shut down, punished, and rejected whenever I voiced strong emotions at a time they were more available to me, which was in childhood.

The beautiful understanding that I gained from the session that I only had yesterday in the small, safe circle of some beautiful women is that by denying someone (and especially children) their deep emotions & their expression, you’re actually diminishing their life force (Lebenskraft).

Which is exactly what seemed to have happened to me, having lived with an internal conflict between anger & authenticity vs. harmony & obedience/lethargy for the most part of my life.

I now saw the power inside of me though, the willingness to step back into my vitality which is neither aggressive nor defensive but rather life-affirming, natural, with a beautiful sense of inner authority.

So for me this confirms to core truths, which are (a) emotions serve a valuable purpose, they want to remind us of who we are in the face of the world, and (b) when others trigger you, it’s most likely never about them but about a crucial life experience and/or pain that finally wants to come full circle.