Into My Strength

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

- Maya Angelou

I’ve never felt that angry my entire life. Although I should say, I never was aware that I was that angry as I’m aware now. Lately, I feel it’s boiling and billowing inside of me, about to spill outside but not quite yet because there still is this thin membrane like my skin that keeps it tucked inside.

It’s an unpleasant condition to be in. Totally confusing and restless. And the reason might be that it’s not a new feeling at all. Rather it dares to surface now, making sure I cannot ignore it any longer.

This is actually a really good sign, I think. It’s the sign that I’m finding my strength which starts with me trusting myself. As long as I’ve kept my anger at bay, pushing it away, not taking it seriously or expressing it, I’ve signaled to myself that this emotion is totally unjustified and insignificant.

Of course I cannot entirely blame myself. How many of us have actually been raised by parents or caregivers that were able to endure anger, whether their own or others? How many role models - whether private or public - do we have that show us how to constructively channel, express, transmit anger?

By the way, thinking that anger is only valid when expressed constructively might be one of its pitfalls - that coming from a mediator… :)

What I’m saying is that I’m totally impressed (even when suffering) by my emerging capacity to feel, discern and experience my anger. It’s amazingly overwhelming because I also know that behind it there is a lot of bunched up life energy and power, which might be what I’m actually fearing.

Owning and tapping into my power also means that I no longer will be able to use excuses, such as other people’s behavior, decisions, or lack thereof, to not take responsibility.

So maybe the real question is why so many of us are reluctant to own (feel & express) their power, and rather project that responsibility onto others - humans and institutions alike.

The key most likely is in our life experience. The already mentioned parental incapacity to acknowledge and handle anger. And then on a deeper level, the anger is real. It could be the anger of small parts of ourselves (those parts that are still stuck with an early experience) that were treated harshly when we needed loving support, neglected when we needed the life-affirming Yes of our parents to our existence and how we expressed ourselves and the decisions we made.

So that is another significant takeaway for me these days: my anger is real and it’s justified. Only it might not have to do as much with the current situation or momentary triggers as I’d like to believe (easier to handle!). It’s my own being telling me what’s off and wrong with how I have thus far interpreted my life.

It is my power to heal.