Inner Conflicts
Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.
- Albert Camus
If there is one thing that I’m getting better at, it’s to see and connect with my own inner conflicts. What usually would’ve been more of a diffuse sense of resistance, me resisting myself, now becomes clearer as different parts inside of myself feeling at odds about a situation, occurrence, or relationship.
It’s easier for me to also see which is which - as in where am I traumatised, acting out of a long-standing tradition (i.e. survival strategy), and where my healthy I kicks in.
This is a relief - yet not necessarily easier to handle as I also more instantly connect with the underlying pain that wants me to act in a certain way and continue down the well-beaten path.
Just today, I got triggered to stand up and express my needs, while another person had the same need & we both wouldn’t be able to get it met at the same time.
My usual response would be to step back, grant the other (older! “authority” - big theme for me) person precedence as surely other opportunities are going to come up soon. And then my head starts rattling - “I just recently had my need met and other participants know that so I’ll come across as selfish, I cannot do that.”, “Wow - it sounds like a dire situation she’s in, nothing compared to mine”, and on it goes.
And nonetheless, nowadays, it’s not that easy anymore for myself to shut up the part that rightfully wants to step up for myself. That is beautiful!
Rather than losing myself in the (imagined) plot line, I now sit down and turn towards myself, the young, hurt part, that is so willing to give in, not make any fuss, accommodate others, show (presumed) love and support to whomever needs it - except for herself, myself.
I feel her in my heart, like a heavy, clingy spot that is so afraid to cross any lines whichsoever. And I tell her that I’m there, holding her, the terrifying situation she’d been in is long over and I can be with her as long as she needs me.
She’s still there; I’m still debating if I should ‘publicly’ speak up. Even if I don’t do it this time, I now have the assurance that I’m ready to release and integrate, and gradually equipping myself with the capacity to hold my own inner conflicts, knowing that they bring me closer and closer to meeting my own needs.