Lifting the Veil
“What is familiar can feel safer, even when it’s not.”
These days I feel like a veil is lifted; not instantaneously but surely. There are moments in which I look at a familiar scenery or person before me and it feels that for the first time I see reality as is - clear, pure, and momentary.
The covering layers of deceit, mental filters, habitual & trauma-informed interpretations are slowly fading and instead the colours and shapes around me get sharper, more tangible, and the observation is more grounded in my core rather than in my head.
What has led to that profound change in my perception and experience?
I've peeled enough layers away, gained enough inner safety, to be able to handle a core traumatic experience of mine. It seems that this has informed, or better: distorted, my assumption of how to thrive (or better: survive) in this world. It’s the basis of unhealthy relationship dynamics, a sense of being stuck, a destructive idea of how to gain recognition, namely through performance.
Luckily, my own inner radar and sense of integrity has never been off so I’ve actually been aware of my inner conflicts, and the enormous amount of energy that it has cost me to suppress (emotions, memories, and needs) and to “fake” a sense of self that was never mine to begin with.
These days I cherish a sense of clarity, inner strength, and inner safety that I’ve never experienced before. And unlike I imagined it’d be, it’s neither loud nor particularly expressive, i.e. doesn’t come with boundary-infusing actions. Rather it’s an indestructible inner quality and attitude that I carry within my outward experience, my relationships - whether I use many words or not.
These are my key takeaways from what seems like a milestone in my healing journey:
Be gentle with yourself & always honour your own pace & rhythm. Thus, stop benchmarking by e.g. comparing with others on social media. If you need a concrete action do just that.
Embrace the idea that Truth is healing. While your family/loved ones might have a completely different experience, yours is just as valid. So try and not justify or align your current experience with others. This might give you a good basis for then embracing your truth in the form of unconscious, yet very real childhood experiences.
Prioritise your self-care. By that I don’t mean (though helpful) a daily yoga routine or certain food regiment. I rather talk about the time and space for self-connection, which to me primarily is identity development/trauma integration. Whether others (and possibly your inner critic) see it as a waste of time, trust that this will lead you to the clarity, strength, and wholeness that you’re seeking.
Become comfortable with expressing your pain. I personally am still struggling with crying out loud what is stored inside of me and I know at the same time that I wouldn’t carry the massive tension I have, if it wasn’t meant to be actively expressed. Which brings me back to number 1: gentleness on yourself goes a long way in releasing what wants to be released.
It’s our psyche’s intelligence that actually keeps us bound in situations or lifestyles that are not particularly safe because it’s our psyche’s inherent desire to bring experiences full circle. So if you feel that a physical or psychological symptom or pattern tells you something deeper, trust it. It’s meant to bring you back to who you truly & safely are.