Why is it so difficult to rest?

Recently I was at a get together with friends. We were talking about how we spent mother’s day, sharing stories of taking time for ourselves, treating ourselves and being treated by our loved ones. Until one of the ladies mentioned having spent her day deep cleaning both her balconies. She added that she loved to stay active, organizing and taking care of things, and that just being with her book as she intended had made her too antsy.

Her entire body and face emanated tension and agitation although the words that were coming out of her mouth were meant to be of ease and control.

In this moment I realized that major parts of myself were mirrored and that in turn left me irritated and sad.

Why is it so difficult for many of us to rest? To simply enjoy the day and allowing our body, mind, and nervous system to take a break? To keep the natural balance between activity and relaxation?

There are many, many reasons for that, I presume. I’m simply sharing the ones that are true for me and that I’ve became acutely aware of over the last 2-3 months, in which I’ve alternated between deep exhaustion and my regular energy level.

For once, we live in a world that cherishes activity, achievements, making the impossible possible, doing and working. In the cultures and context I grew up in there is very little blueprint for the success (if anything in enjoying life) that derives from finding the right balance between relaxation and activation.

A culture, being shaped and informed by individuals, it’s not surprising that on the micro-level there’s often a striking unawareness as to how we can regulate ourselves and each other. Having been raised by a set of parents that was highly stressed and in discord it was unavoidable for me to soak in stress and hyper-activation from early on.

Only recently I started to realize how consistently activated my nervous system. I started viscerally feeling the tension that my nervous system has been under, with a sense of constant tautness from the lower parts of my brain/skull all throughout the spinal cord.

I have a consistent sense of needing to escape/distract myself because not being able to let go and fully sink into relaxation is, while not bodily painful, hugely disconcerting.

The good news is that years of connecting with my earliest childhood experiences (especially on an emotional level) have increased my awareness for what the stress has caused in my body.

Not being able to change that on a whim is one thing, being intimately aware and being able to decode it is another one that I’m actually grateful however annoying the state is.

For the longest I’ve tried to “force” myself into relaxation, following our abnormal culture’s suggestion of just bathing, massaging, meditating myself into ease from one second to the other.

This has never changed my mode of being (or rather over-activating) for long.

Lately things have altered though on a deep level: when I was told that my “sympathetic nervous system” has been cranked up to the fullest for the past 4 decades of my life I realized in compassion that I’ve been living a life in permanent stress, both physiologically and psychologically.

And that it’ll take time for me to get off the gas pedal and slowly decompress.

I’m sharing this because I assume that for many it is reality as well. Only those lucky ones that were raised by aware and well-regulated parents, able to resist the temptations of speediness and over-indulgence that our culture provides, will probably manage to live their lives in their very own rhythm, pace, and balance.

All others, including me, will need to dig a little deeper to be able to rest, relax, and achieve to be active without being over-activated all-too-often.

I don’t intend to discourage anyone. I rather mean to motivate and inspire others to get closer to the root cause of their inability to let go, to release, to loosen up.

Don’t pressure yourself into easing up and don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t managed to relax when you were meant to (like on mother’s day).

Instead know that there is every reason why you can’t for now which was beyond your control (that is in early childhood).

However, I’m deeply convinced and happily serve as a source of information that there are effective healing modalities that will support you understanding what’s been keeping you activated as much as helping you get in touch with those parts (emotional, mental, physical) that cannot let go.

What is bringing ease to all of us is when we’re being heard which is what is done, in methods that are meant to heal the wounds inside of us such as Somatic Experiencing, IoPT and others.

Next time you notice yourself or another one not being able to relax when it seems so easy to do, just be aware of the nuances that are in charge in this moment and that they cannot be pushed into resting. Gently guided though they can which is all and everything that is needed.