Truly self-caring
Be the one you needed when you were young.
I woke up this morning, thinking: “Man, I’m excited for what this life brings me.” A thought that, as much as I remember, has never crossed my mind in the past 37 years of my life.
It was no thought that came from a place of exhilaration or a sense of abundance. It was rather a statement amidst the experience of growing and profound care for who I am, how I perceive this world and my place in it.
Coming to terms with reality, that of my past and that of my present, has been a process. Where I previously saw my life as a series of events, milestones, failures, and aspirations, all of them not really interconnected but with the flavor of linearity and compartmentalization, I increasingly experience my life as flowing, forming, dissolving, twisting, and calming.
The more I face the various aspects and experiences of mine, the more I want to stick with myself, actually starting to enjoy myself.
There is a sense of curiosity how this authentic self will respond to the situations, people, challenges and beauties of my life. It’s a phase of getting to know myself and coming to terms with the ‘simple’ fact that nothing will be again as it once was, a collective and personal experience at the same time.
Sticking to myself rather than to other close people’s experience is so new to me that I currently perceive myself in awe of what is possible. Did I really not respond to the attack just now? Did I actually not take on this emotion as I usually do? And do I not feel vulnerable or guilty? Wow!
What a relief it is to realize that in so many of these perceived danger zones (that have previously triggered trauma responses and survival mechanisms), I’m actually completely safe now.
Because now I’m increasingly aware of what I’d have needed when I was little, when I was vulnerable, confused, angry, scared: I’d have needed the presence of someone caring, understanding, loving, and spacious. Which nowadays means I need the presence of myself. And I’m glad to be able to provide it.