Fostering Identity for Yourself & Others

“Obedient children don’t develop an identity, they simply learn to comply.”

- Jesper Juul 

I’m glad I came to Identity Development (ID) work when I was pregnant with my daughter. I don’t know if I’d have otherwise understood, and so deeply felt, the significance of my own inner work for the wellbeing of my relationship with her and her integrity. 

The truth is also that it’s hard work: meeting my wounded (often very young) parts, and gathering the strength and courage to feel their anger, grief, and shame that has been stored for so long in my body and psyche. 

Yet, since the birth of my daughter stirred up these dormant experiences and emotions, it’s exactly my processing them that slowly opens up the capacity and builds the inner strength and authority to enter into a loving, supportive, and dignified relationship with her. 

As I observe what’s unfolding in the world, I realize more than ever the significance of ID work – for myself, for my child, and for society at large. There is no promise that my inner work will ripple into my relationships the way I’d like, or even at all. However, it helps me to gently empower myself. I gain clarity and a safe groundedness.

The world of parenting is full of methods, advice, strong (or forceful) recommendations, yet very little is said about the importance of being the safe, authentic, and non-judgmental harbor that children so clearly need to cultivate these same qualities in themselves. 

The philosophy and method of ID supports exactly that: creating a safe space and a non-judgmental, open community, in which I can meet the various parts of myself that need care and attention, allowing my authentic self to emerge and thrive.  

And each time I come into contact with myself so intimately and gently, I open up space for my daughter to show up the way she does, losing the need to coerce her into being or doing differently.  

The same goes for my other relationships, and eventually the dynamics and conversations we have in society at large. 

It is my hope that my daughter can grow up feeling safe and accepted in her identity and emotional expression, allowing others the space to express their identity and emotions as well. 

This to me fosters both diversity and inclusion, and I’m convinced that it’s exactly this type of complexity we need to nourish connection and peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world.