Taking Personal Responsibility

(In collaboration with the Identity Development Institute)

“The best that parents can do for their children is to take responsibility for their own lives – and by such act as role models for their children.”
- Jesper Juul

I came to the work of Identity Development while I was pregnant in 2018. 

Ever since my daughter Klara was born fifteen months ago, I have become increasingly aware of how my own upbringing, life experiences, and relationship to my parents have impacted the relationship with Klara. 

Luckily, I have been supported by sensitive and insightful ID facilitators who keep reminding me that my daughter is not me - meaning that my early life experiences, which I’ve been more in touch with in motherhood, are my experiences and not hers. 

My attempts to prevent her from feeling pain or neglect are actually a response to parts of myself that are still young and stuck in those early experiences. It’s time to take responsibility for what is mine!

In his work as a renowned family therapist, Jesper Juul has repeatedly underlined the importance of taking personal responsibility in relationships - that is, seeing, expressing, and responding to one’s own emotions, needs, and expectations, rather than assuming that others (such as a partner or child) should take on that responsibility; or, in reverse, taking responsibility for the emotions and needs of one’s partner or child. 

While in theory that sounds great and rather simple, I’m often challenged in determining my own emotions as pointers to my needs. Every attempt at carving them out on an intellectual basis or by sheer will has been short-lived.

Through regular ID sessions however, I’ve been increasingly able to clear the fog and confusion around my emotions and therefore around my needs. 

I’ve come to recognize the pattern driving my confusion: by giving up responsibility for my own emotions and needs, I remain identified with the familiar powerlessness I felt as a small child whose emotions and needs were not validated and met. 

In turn, taking responsibility for the emotions and needs of others reflects an early attempt to receive acknowledgement and love from my caregivers - by overly adapting to their needs and emotional responses to the world. 

Without taking personal responsibility for what is mine, I run the risk of never being truly myself in every “adult” relationship I enter, whether it’s with my partner, child, or colleagues.  

I started off doing ID for Klara’s sake. The more I realize how ID sessions help me in being a responsible adult and parent, the more I do the work for my own sake, trusting that Klara benefits as I model a valid, fulfilling, and truthful way of living my life.