Subjective Reality
My colleague Martin and I gave a presentation at the ACR-GNY conference a couple weeks ago. We spoke about our mindful/meditative approach to conflict resolution and mediation to an audience of around 50 New York mediators and lawyers. It was pretty great, to be on the giving, talking, presenting end for once, rather than on the taking in, receiving, input side.
Yet, there were a couple great opportunities to switch and be part of the audience. Such as when Elizabeth Clemants and James Kornbluh spoke about the circle technique for holding difficult conversations, often in the context of trauma ad healing.
The circle technique, or circle keeping, is part of restorative justice. Essentially, it describes the setup of the room when parties to a (violent) conflict/incident meet. It kind of resembles the kindergarten Stuhlkreis ("chair circle") of my very youth, and the essence of the circle (as much of my childhood circles ;) is pretty profound.
Elizabeth and James define four principles on which the dialogue in this circle is based; however what I found intriguing is that it is not just suited for a more exclusive and occasional sitting but can be taken into everyday life conversations. So, here you go:
1. Relate as equals
2. Honor subjective reality
3. Keep healthy boundaries
4. Take responsibility for the impact of your actions
I love those snippets of a good conversation. In theory :) In practice, I think I already fail the first one. Whether it's conscious or not, but it is a tough job to meet everyone as equals. In many cases, we either feel superior or inferior to our partner in dialogue - or at least we feel we have interpretive authority or subordination in the matter discussed. It is actually super interesting to task oneself with meeting the other person as an equally important, significant, ordinary human being...regardless of him/her being the big boss or the one that serves me my food.
That however makes point 2 (which sticks the most with me) manageable. How often do we actually not honor someone's completely subjective experience and perspective? I notice it all the time in my conversations with my husband. Both of us being in love with Diskussion, we can barely manage to have the other finish his/her sentence before we jump in with a dismissal or a counter-argument. While this may be fine with completely factual exchanges (as if they would exist!), it doesn't make any sense to argue with one's personal insights. And why would I even want to...which is the point of this "rule". How neat and transformative it would be, if we as individuals and as a society, could for once just accept and listen (!) to one's reality, without wanting to counteract it. People like to be heard. And they like to be able to express themselves. That is not possible if their own experience in this world is not acknowledged for what it is.
Knowing that I can express myself without fearing that it won't be respected, naturally leads to some boundaries as others don't interfere with my personal understanding. Note: This does not mean that there won't be any discourse on what is going on. Obviously not. It wouldn't be a dialogue otherwise. It means though that people start from a common ground of respect and dignity. And that is surely something that we can all work on!