Not just Another Method

Methods are aimed at changing behaviors and turn humans into objects. This way you run the risk of losing the connection to yourself and others.

- Jesper Juul

There is one big thing that I have come to realize the more I progress in re-developing my own identity: namely, that it becomes impossible for me to live a textbook life, one that is defined by to do’s, goals, successes that everyone understands, and techniques to manipulate and control the challenges in my relationships and life.

Inherently I get a sense of what the flow of life and being human really means. It’s messy, confusing, unexpected, beautiful and heartbreaking, sometimes all at the same time, or often emerging in waves and whirlwinds.

I experience an ever growing capacity to meet myself, with all the wisdom, compassion and gentleness I previously sought from others. Presence like this, for myself, is nothing that can be forced into existence by methods, step-by-step guides or techniques, however praised those may be.  

This self meeting is the “method” we’re using in identity development. It’s the method of being able to slowly, in my own pace, and in the presence of others unravel my humanity, the intricate and subtle dynamics of early childhood experiences that led me to believe that life is to be lived in accordance with others’ expectations, in denial of myself, and in control of the process and the outcome.

Nothing of that sort happens in identity development. Confusing and shattering at first, I’ve gradually gained the stability, curiosity, and self-responsibility to enjoy life and myself in all my cyclical, uncertain, interconnected, and surprising nature.

Now I start understanding what I was told in an self-encounter session, still pregnant with my daughter: “what she needs most is your presence.” This deep knowledge of my life experiences, internal dynamics, feelings and needs is nothing that can be put into a child-rearing, one-size-fits-all textbook. This is a deeply personal and empowering journey that needs to be experienced and lived, not concretized by words and formulas (not too much anyway ;).