First Thoughts on Motherhood

I’ve been a mother for the past 5 months. What a ride! No need to extensively speak about the changes, the ups and downs that comes with welcoming a little one into the world. All I can say that the real alterations are rather subtle. They are like a fine yet powerful and immutable shift from one wave length to another. I’m sure there is enough research out there that proves how the experience of motherhood (or parenthood in general) changes how your brain, your patterns of reaction and interaction, change. From the point of experience and feeling, I can say that there is a certain grounding, certainty, fierceness that wasn’t there before, and that I can especially sense, when my daughter is not with me, such as now as I’m writing this post.

The first time I did something on my own and she stayed with her dad, I felt numb, slightly brain dead, or as if waking from a long dream. I’m sure these perceptions will change over time but her existence feels like a transparent layer above mine, she’s here through me but not mine.

As Khalil Gibran famously described it:

“Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.”

Studying childhood psychology and the childhood experiences that shape our way of being in the world, I’m convinced that love and care for a child are misunderstood buzzwords. Especially in our cultures, which idealise motherhood/parenthood as an ongoing bliss from the moment of birth. What I experienced though is that it is first and foremost an encounter with your own inner child (if that’s the correct terminology), a reliving of childhood experiences long been buried.

For me, my connection with my daughter is a meeting of souls. There is no doubt that I love this child in this very specific way in which you love your own creation. And at the same time, I’m trying to be conscious of my own neediness. Do I love her without any conditions or do I try to fill a void? Do I care for her because that’s what she needs and deserves or do I care for my own inner child, vulnerable as it is? Do I accept her growing autonomy or do I rather want to keep her small and attached to myself?

And yes, I’m aware of the inherent flaws of each thought and the tendency to over-indulge in my own thoughts and research :) However, I’m convinced that some of these thoughts, questions, considerations are worth pondering as a new parent. They should never dominate the instincts and intuition that one naturally develop as a parent but to me it is essential that an interplay between my interaction with my daughter and my emotional response exists. And that I remain aware of underlying patterns and needs that might overshadow the pure love and care that does not ask for anything in response.