It feels like a Breakup

We’ve been on lockdown for the past 2 weeks. New York City seems in shock over the “Corona wave” that has hit it and continues to do so. It’s nothing that I can really see, as I live on Roosevelt Island, which is a bit apart from Manhattan and Queens. It’s nothing that I’m faced with in terms of numbers and quick facts, as I have stopped watching daily news a few years ago. It is something in the air, an uncertainty, a wait-and-see attitude that I feel and carry in my nervous system as much as others. And that is an energy to be felt which at times is almost too much to bear.

I feel there is so much pain around us right now that we don’t have any other option than to truly feel through it. Yesterday, when my husband shared the latest unemployment numbers with, I felt the deepest sorrow and compassion that I’ve felt since this current situation began. For some reason, I was especially touched by the thought of older people who take on “basic” jobs to be able to survive financially and that might now - amongst many others - be terrified about how their future is going to look like.

I felt pain and anger. But rather than directing it at someone or an entity, such as the administration, which I easily and usually do, I had those emotions in relation to the lack of collaboration, love, connection, humility, solidarity, and altruism that me and our society have shown and lived for far too long. What after all will we regret on our deathbeds? Exactly this - that we haven’t lived our human potential. If we cannot feel it now, we can surely feel it then.

I keep on thinking that it doesn’t really matter in which form or shape we carry our light and our capacity into this world. For many of us, it might be just the beginning. What matters is the intention; and to keep a steadfastness around it. So here is what I started doing yesterday: Every morning, I set the intention to be light and bring light into the world. And to be in connection with myself, my daughter, my husband, and the world. And then I ask for support, which can also come in the form of a hint (or a “Wink mit dem Zaunpfahl”) as to where I still lack those qualities.

While we’re still facing the harsh reality of what the Corona virus brings to our physical, emotional, and economic health, I’m convinced that we, one by one to a faster degree than I’ve ever experienced before, witness the breakup from the illusional realities that we’ve lived for too long. Namely, that what we we can see and what we do matters more than what and how we feel and are. Those times are over and it definitely feels like the right kind of breakup.