Feeling My Core
This weekend, I went to my first nonviolent communication (NVC) training in a while. Actually, ever. I've been doing practice groups before. They go on for weeks but do not focus on any specific quality of the method. This weekend focused on empathy. At first, I was sceptical. I have done dedicated a bunch of weekends for trainings lately, and all I wanted to be was with Chris and not again in situations, in which I had to familiarise myself with unfamiliar people and go deeper (which in typically love!) than a cup of coffee, a Netflix series (my current favourite: Dr Foster) and some Indian delivery.
But I went through with it. Thankfully. It was a most extraordinary experience, particularly in the aftermath, and I'm so grateful for my discipline (one of my rather boring core strengths, I like to believe).
What was freeing for one, was that I was once again reminded that I do have a choice. A choice of how I react to the content of everyday life that is thrown at me. I can blame the other, I can blame myself. This is reactionary mode, but I can do it of course. Then I can also empathise with myself and with the others. Spoiler alert: Empathising does NOT mean okaying. It only means to focus on what lies underneath your (possible) reaction (that is the self-empathising) or what might be the issue with the idiot on the other side (jk...I mean the other human of course :).
The way NVC frames it is that our emotions hint towards a need that is either met or not met. Say, I'm angry today. That doesn't just fall out of the blue and - unlike our common belief - it does not really have anything to do with another person. Rather it says something about what is missing in the equation me = satisfied. It might be a lack of trust or understanding or communication (the list of human needs is long but not exhaustive). Once I know what I need, I may be able to come up with ways to get it. And - what a surprise - this is often also not provided by others. Ergo, I gain responsibility back. Try it - it feels pretty amazing!
The other part of the exercise is to find out what others are feeling and needing. This is where empathy comes in. As humans, we have an incredible capacity to sense what others feel or need. Simply because we are humans as well. If we have the capacity and/or interest to find out where the other comes from, I bet you you'll have a pretty amazing conversation.
That being said, in going with Maya Angelou, empathy takes a good amount of courage. I just realise that again, coming out of my weekend "I empathise with likeminded people"-bubble. Putting theory to work with someone that is to put euphemistically 'difficult' is really hard. It is so much easier to put my walls up, shut up or rant about him with others. It is just no norm to communicate our feelings and needs without pointing the finger or pushing the responsibility away - again.
Sometimes though, we simply don't want to empathise (and therewith connect). We only want to get our point across, in a manner that is polite, clear, loving (towards ourselves) and effective. The one little step we still have to take to strike this fine balance is to empathise with ourselves and to confidently set our boundaries. This is where I am at now. And as in meditation, I have to return over and over again to my point of concentration. Myself. As I truly am, feel, and need.