Dis-Illusioned

Freedom means that you don’t have to do everything like everyone else.

- Astrid Lindgren

I would have never expected that being disillusioned feels so clarifying and freeing as it does to me these days.

The illusion that I’m releasing is that of a childhood that has worked entirely in my favour, i.e. that has been as nurturing as I’d liked to believe until now or as it looked like on the outside.

Instead I’m able to acknowledge that there are parts of myself that continue to suffer from childhood wounds related to not being seen the way I am, not having had the space I needed, and not having been able to express and have my own experiences, emotions, and needs validated.

For the longest, I didn’t consciously think about it, continued in the tradition of the accepted narrative of a caring upbringing. And it’s still difficult to write these lines as I don’t want to tip on anyone’s toes. And then at the same time my body, my nervous system, my arising memories just don’t tell the same story.

It’s important for my own sense of integrity and wholesomeness to embrace those parts of myself that are still stuck with painful experiences and that make me repeat those experiences in the “adult version” (i.e. seeking validation from employers, collaborators, partners, or - still - parents (!)). In doing so, I have to face the harsh truth that no one (especially not my parents) can and will make up for the care and consideration I lacked when I was little and dependent. And besides, I might rather want to give it to myself today.

What comes with the disillusion I describe is an understanding that nowadays these expectations are beyond anyone’s reach and responsibility - and that likewise I don’t have to meet the expectations of others anymore, particularly by being emotionally and verbally accommodating in an attempt to finally get the warmth I’ve sought so much.

There is a sense of aggression, frustration, and anger in my current experience and I don’t know yet how these strong emotions will inform my own power, words, and actions. But I know that this is the potential they carry and it surely is one that I’ve long needed.

The more I stand up for myself, my own experience, my own emotions, hence, my own truth, the more I gain inner connection, authority, and trust that helps me deeply understand that I can very well take care of myself and love myself to the degree I need it. And this for sure is no illusion.