Messy Realities

“Without movement, life is unthinkable.”

- Moshe Feldenkrais

To me this is a time of increasing focus, heightened awareness, and a thinking- and feeling through core relationships of mine. As there is a lot of movement, manifestation and elevated understanding happening within me, naturally this has implications for the systems I’m participating in.

As I noticed today, it’s not a straight-forward, solution-oriented process. Rather it turns out to be a step by step drawing nearer and pushing away at the same time, as I become aware of my own complex neediness and how much I’ve tried to have it fulfilled by others and in relationship.

Becoming more capable to seeing and fulfilling my own needs doesn’t necessarily seem to be a matter of instant joy. Rather it makes me feel as if I’m very much standing on my own for now. And yet, there is a sense of stability, conviction and peace that I haven’t felt before in any other relationship conflict.

It comes with the sense of knowing that where I am is perfectly fine. I don’t need to accommodate others, I don’t need to judge, demean or appease them. Instead I hold a lot of love and care for myself and others at the same time, even though our relationship reality seems messy, if not broken (for now).

I understand that being connected and bonded is one thing; the other are the dynamics, often that of perpetrator-victim, that cover up the powerful essence of relationship.

Its essence, in my mind, is to leave everyone involved with a sense of worth and dignity based on their autonomy - which means the capacity to stay with oneself while being open-minded and -hearted for another one’s reality and needs.

To me this is an art - easily preached, not so easily lived. And it certainly doesn’t come without a close look into my own messiness and the willingness to strengthen my own identity, even though it might disrupt system and relationships at first. The clarity that follows along is worth every step out of my habitual way of relating.