Loosing Hold of Myself

There is an interesting twist that one makes when meditating for a while. I recently read that most people start with the practice for rather ‘mundane’ reasons, such as increasing wellbeing, concentration, performance etc., and then once they’re hooked they figure that the work that they’ve done by sitting still, focusing on their breath, and returning whenever distracted, has a way more profound meaning than originally thought.

I recently started to discover that for myself; and I wouldn’t even say that I started meditating because of above mentioned reasons. I realise how very little my assumptions about myself matter and how cumbersome it is to stick to an identity that I have nourished for years on end. In my case, this specifically refers to a professional image, I’d like to convey, and which I’ve actually corroborated for the past 4 years anyway.

It is this idea that with a certain academic background and a whole lot of ambition, you need to end up with a certain standing, position, influence, responsibility in a prestigious organization, for which your CV has prepared you. And then you see that almost everybody whom you’ve graduated with and whom you would benchmark with, has taken that route, except for you really. And even though you’ve did it consciously, you still think you suck.

Welcome to the pitfalls of over-identification!

What it boils down to really is what makes one happy and - if you inherently know that your existence is not just for your own benefit - how you can contribute to the greater vision of relationships, and equilibrium, and peace.

What I’m talking about is called the bodhisattva path in Eastern tradition, as I recently realised. There is the saying that you shouldn’t waste your life and what they actually mean, which is stark for modern society, is that a ‘wasted’ life is one lived for one’s personal gain only. Now, to be fair, I don’t think that a lot of people live lives that are just for their personal gain. Many have families and friends, and yes, organisations, that benefit from their work and Wirken. But all of us might want to take some time contemplating how much time and energy we’re actually wasting because we’re concerned with our personal identity, gain, standing, positioning.

Which brings me back to my initial point of noticing the deeper meaning of meditation. In meditation over time, you notice that you are neither your thoughts, nor your emotions, nor your bodily sensations. In fact, all of those are fleeting experiences. Pure energy that becomes substantial by us identifying with them (clinging as much as pushing away). Of course, you don’t stop to think and you don’t stop to create narratives in your mind. But you gain way more awareness of the mind’s way of luring you in and way more space between yourself (signified in your breath, signified in your core which is calm and observing) and what comes up for you in habitual thoughts and emotions.

This is extremely profound. Believe it or not.

Suddenly, you notice that your identification with your identity (which also comes in the form of sex, ethnicity, nation, religion) may be not only external conditioning, it may also be tricks that your mind continuously plays with you. To keep you at bay and in check. Because what would we do in this ‘modern’ society if we suddenly all started to question the nation, religions, our “free” values?

In any case, I rather enjoy the process. It comes in small and in big, such as me being overly attached to holistic medicine while being married to a man who is overly attached to science and conventional truths. This dilemma can be overcome when stepping away from one’s own stark perspectives, when actually relieving oneself from fully believing in them (they can be true or not…things are so often relative), and letting the other’s truth hitting you full speed…which is how it may feel when the heart and mind stay open to inconvenient opinions.

I’m trying to take this as an advice for myself, while heading off to a weekend retreat of unknown destination (literally…husband’s surprise :)